


Hindsight

by Pie_pecans_and_parrots



Series: How We Love In The Shadows [13]
Category: NCT (Band), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shadow World Setting (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Established Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fae & Fairies, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Moon Taeil is Whipped, Post-Betrayal, Post-Break Up, To Be Continued, Were-Creatures, Worldbuilding, and sad..., faerie!Sicheng, shadowhunter!Doyoung, shadowhunter!Taeil, so is doyoung, werewolf!jaehyun, werewolf!yuta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 22:26:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18838015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pie_pecans_and_parrots/pseuds/Pie_pecans_and_parrots
Summary: His betrayal tasted like glass, and the hurt in Taeil's eyes stung like steel, and the guilt in his stomach burnt like gasoline.





	Hindsight

Doyoung thought he couldn’t bear the look of disappointment on his father’s face as he had to report that Jaehyun… _knew_ – but it was nothing compared to the pain that burst across his cheekbone and his heart as Taeil’s right hook sent him flying.

Taeil was incensed.

Truly – Doyoung had never seen the man looked so unhinged – nostrils flared and hair ruined, breathing heavily with dark rage in his eyes.

“What have you _done_?” Taeil asked lowly, as Doyoung slowly got back to his feet, resisting the urge to cradle his face. He said nothing. Didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to feel – because for all his talk of Shadowhunter values and loyalty, and honour, he’d never felt so horrible as he had when he had watched Jaehyun cry over him. He couldn’t correlate the two feelings – the guilt and the horror. He’d disappointed his father but he had _broken_ Jaehyun – had _been_ breaking him since he’d met the werewolf. “You _bastard_.” Taeil’s voice broke.

“I did my duty-”

Taeil hit him again. “ _Your duty?”_ he spat, and Doyoung wiped away the blood that was running down his chin. “You have desecrated _everything_ we stand for. Don’t you see what you’ve done?” he sounded close to tears, and his eyes were shining but Doyoung knew Taeil, and knew that he would never cry – not in front of anyone else. To see him this close to tears was enough to unnerve him.

“I-I’m sorry.” Doyoung managed, and felt nausea roil in his stomach as Taeil gave him a look of disgust – like he was truly scum. Doyoung felt like it.

Taeil grew suddenly very still – and Doyoung watched as he wiped the emotion from his face, ran a hand over his mouth and stared at him. “I don’t think you understand. They’ve left me, Doyoung. Because of you. And I can’t forgive you for that.” Taeil’s voice was quiet, and if Doyoung didn’t know he was upset, he wouldn’t have noticed the faint tremor in his tone. Taeil left him alone in the hallway.

It was dark, the witchlight burning low as if to spite him. Doyoung sank back to the ground, sliding down the cold stone wall until he was crumpled on the floor.

_“I love you… If you had one shred of decency in your body, you would go – and save me the misery of looking at you. I know what you are now, and I can’t believe I trusted you…”_

Doyoung groaned, slamming his head back against the stone. The sharp pain cleared his mind. But it didn’t stop the guilt roiling in is gut, nor his aching heart.

 

* * *

 

It was nearly Christmas.

It didn’t feel like it.

Doyoung had taken to ghosting through the Institute, too afraid to leave, too afraid to stay. He hadn’t spoken to his father since the incident, hadn’t spoken to Taeil since he punched him, hadn’t spoken to Jaehyun-

Doyoung cracked his whip with enough force to make the sound echo around the high-ceilinged practice hall. It made his ears ring, and he welcomed the distraction. That was all he did – distract himself.

Distract himself from himself – because the worst part of it all was that, he still wanted Jaehyun. He wanted him _back_. He wanted to see him smile, feel his skin, touch his hand, kiss him senseless, make him laugh – he wanted Jaehyun, and it was the worst, because _he_ had been the one to fuck it up.

Doyoung had been denying his father complex since he had been a boy. Now, of course, staring at the ruins of what he could have had – it was far too little too late.

_All this heartbreak because he wanted to make his father proud. Because he wanted to uphold a backwards man’s xenophobic ideal of tradition._

The faint intake of breath from the doorway – barely audible under the whoosh and crack of his whip made him pause. It was his prodigies, two of the youngest in the Institute.

Jeno and Jaemin had always been close; even before they were Parabatai – but Doyoung wasn’t so wrapped up in his own misery that he hadn’t notice the shift in their relationship. Some part of him didn’t want to acknowledge it, didn’t want to break their dream, didn’t want to be the one to have to tell them about the curse that followed the romantic attachment of a Parabatai.

They were wide-eyed, and Doyoung knew what they were looking at, knew that the shredded practice dummy was unrepairable. He looked away from them before they could look at him, discarding his whip and marching for the showers.

The too-hot water burnt his skin.

 

* * *

 

It was Taeil, the man who used to be his oldest and closest friend, that spurred him from his selfish, depressive state.

Because it was one thing for him to wallow in his misery; hell, he’d been doing it since he was a boy – but to see Taeil so haunted looking, unshaven and unkempt, hacking away in training with the same savagery of an animal, because of _him_ – roused him enough to do something.

Even if he couldn’t fix his own mess – he could try and do something for Taeil.

Doyoung wasn’t _exactly_ sure where their apartment was; Taeil had been keeping it secret, even from _him_ , and so he spent hours wandering the streets surrounding the neighbourhood, until finally, on the cusp of nightfall, snow building in the hood of his coat, he knocked on the right door.

He was lucky, perhaps, that it was Sicheng that answered the door. Though, he wasn’t sure he preferred the ice-cold steel of his stare, to the red-hot anger that would have been in Yuta.

“What do _you_ want?” Sicheng’s tone was his usual cool, but for the faint derisive note to the question.

Doyoung shifted in place, pinned under the violet eyes of the other man. _He_ wasn’t even sure what he did want. He hadn’t planned this far ahead, hadn’t gone over what he was going to say – for once, he had no plan, no ulterior motive but to see Taeil smile again. “I’m – I’m here to…” he drew himself up, taking a breath. The flowers in Sicheng’s hair were gone, and he wondered if the fae was as affected by the apparent split as Taeil was. “I’m here to clarify.” He said finally. “I’m here to say that Taeil-” Sicheng’s eyes narrowed, “Taeil didn’t send me,” he added hastily. “In fact, I think he’d punch me again if he knew… not that I would blame him, I mean, _I’d_ like to punch me, and-” he paused, knowing he was rambling, as Sicheng stiffened, looking more and more irritated. “Well. I’m just here to say that Taeil didn’t know anything. He didn’t know _anything_. And he’s… he’s broken, Sicheng.” The fae flinched at his name.

There was a long moment of silence. Doyoung nodded once, and turned to leave. He hadn’t been expecting a reply, didn’t deserve one-

“I’m not going to tell him that you came.” Sicheng said quietly. Doyoung turned back around. The fae had let go of the door, and had his arms crossed. He was frowning slightly, marring his perfect brow. “Jaehyun.” He clarified. Doyoung was the one to wince this time.

“I wasn’t – this wasn’t for me.” He said stupidly. He shook his head. “I mean… I’m just here for Taeil. I know that Jaehyun will never forgive me.” Sicheng uncrossed his arms.

“He loved you, you know.” He said, and this time – his words were like barbs; venomous and biting.  

Doyoung fought around a sudden lump of emotion to strangle out the words. “I know.” He sucked in a shaky breath, “I love him.” He blinked, surprised at the words that had tumbled out; because they were true. He loved Jaehyun, and he was only now realising it, on the doorstep of his ex-best friend’s partner, in the snow and darkness. “I love him.” He said again, revelling in the bitter sweetness of it.

Sicheng tilted his head, considering, eyes glimmering in the streetlight. Finally, he smiled – more of a baring of teeth than anything, and started to close the door. The last thing Doyoung caught was the whisper of; “ _Hindsight_.”

 

* * *

 

Jaehyun watched Doyoung’s retreating form from the comfort of Yuta and Sicheng’s couch.

He looked small, the night swallowing him up as he stepped out of the light of the streetlamp. Yuta growled lowly from the armchair, and Jaehyun didn’t have to look to know his friend’s eyes were still on Doyoung’s back.

He wasn’t even meant to be here – he was on his way to Kun’s for dinner, but when the snow had gotten a little too heavy for his liking, he had stopped by. Fate had a funny way of _punching him in the damn face_. He had spotted Doyoung approaching, had watched him go door to door for a few hours before he had finally headed towards him. And he hadn’t been able to move.

Sicheng re-entered the room. “I presume you heard.” His voice was directed at both of them. Yuta made another low growl. Sicheng clicked his tongue. “ _Enough_ , Yuta.” He snapped. The uncharacteristic discomposure made them both turn, Jaehyun ripping his eyes from the snow outside to look at the fae. He looked just on the edge of distraught.

Yuta stood immediately, and Jaehyun had to look away again as his pack-brother embraced the fae, murmuring something to him. Sicheng pulled away. Jaehyun caught the edge of a furious whisper. _“Taeil is my fault._ ” Before Sicheng was hurrying away, towards their bedroom. Jaehyun listened to Yuta padding after him.

He was left alone in his thoughts – and as always, they ticked over to Doyoung.

_“…I know that Jaehyun will never forgive me… I love him…”_

Jaehyun smiled bitterly. It figured; he had to have his heart broken to hear the words he had wanted to hear for so long.

Doyoung loved him; and despite _everything_ , Jaehyun still loved him back.


End file.
